inst3.

I was like reading Yuri's blog posts. I found an interesting post, which it really suits me in some points yet, it drives me krazy. I feel like, most of the teenagers might feel this to. this is a struggle.

"I always want to be perfect. A perfect daughter, a perfect friend, a perfect partner, a perfect individual.

Perfectionism is everything, I have to be perfect. I ought to be perfect.

But when I fail to do so, when I made a mistake, I will feel very depressed and worthless.
I want to be perfect so I hide my emotions and I tend to be abusive to myself.
I will cry until I can't breathe, I will peel my skin until it bleed, I will took pills so I can sleep.
I have a serious anger for myself, if I made a mistake, I will hate myself more than ever.
I will hate myself more than I hate anyone else. I feel very emotionally devastated.
I think I'm seriously depressed.
Help me. I can't help myself.

I realize that if there's nothing left to burn, you got to set yourself on fire."
-yuri's blog (http://lookingforastronaut.blogspot.com/) :)

I experienced some of these, when I got upset or something like that. When you feel you cannot find the way out. When it's just too deep and dark. When people asking too much rather than giving.

Sigh. It is terrible, I even cant do anything. I got this bad mood all over.

btw, I've been thinking to which destination should I go for immersion, I am so dang excited about US. Well at first mom said it's expensive. But than she supports me and saying up to you. But yet I again confused, and thinking hardly what decision should I make. Dad came over to my room, and ask, where do I want to go... and I hardly look into his eyes! I kept on typing on my mac, avoiding contact. Kinda nervous tho about what dad gonna say. He said, how about if I dont go for immersion, instead he will give me cash and new phone *who wants to resist?* but I said, I dont know. I still think that I wanna go. "teserah" I said it over and over. Until I made up my mind, and say "ga usah, bisa d ganti aja" to both mom and dad. after it, mom came over and still asking "yang lain gmn? gamau ikut? yang lain k mana? mau gak tanya dulu, bsk bawa suratnya tinggal pilih atau submit?"

i'm touched with both attention of mom and dad. i'm lucky enough to have them. But i think, I need to loosen mom's and dad's burden. enough for a while, and yet bro is also get going to Beijing at March!! It's too much for paying $$, so I sacrifice something for good. :) I can get something better soon.

I'm fifteen going on sixteen
Learning how to be strong
Experiencing ups and downs
Sacrifice things
Yet figuring out many things
*myownversion*

well, being happy is a choice, I guess? But it still depends who supports you and who knows you for real.