live it up

So that before I sleep, I need to say something. First, happy Wedding ci Fajar and Ko usman. I came to their holy matrimony at church, that was so sweet! I love their outfit especially the white tuxedo. It was really look like expensive. I am really going to have a blessed marriage soon! *AMEN* well, I got my hair done with cha2 :) it was nice, i got a great stylist. She made me have a curly hair a bit and the tone was just right. And I received compliments *fly me to the moon* but who wouldnt be so happy, if we receive sweet compliments? Even some of the people didnt recognise me ;p

second, *sigh* it's school day again ahead. busy busy week. but hey, chinese new year in a while :D I got Math UT and phy WS tmrw and yet havent got the chance to review properly. hmmm today was just, I feel like I did not get enough time to get jobs done. I was working for booklet for hours, then straight to buy art equipments, then church til late. And I did not have any proper meal. Any meal. But I drank caffeine. D: too bad

third, I was really wondering whats my passion is all about, havent think of it and havent get any answers yet. Hmm.

pictures soon, since i was moving from this blog, i was like havent uploading any pics yet. hmm btw i love photobooth :D

freeday

oh yeah hello, uhm long time no write. Ihihih... you know what? school has gone completely insane. They keep us pushing our own schedules with many tasks yet tests. One day, on Tuesday if I'm not mistaken... First period is Add math, then bio, then math, geo, then english and religion last is music. So, add math got a quiz which was on thursday. Then math had a worksheet on wednesday and a Unit test next monday. Geo will be having quiz on wednesday and unit test next wednesday. Then english, alcapone's worksheet on wed and literature unit test on Thursday. OHMYYYYY :'( but we've been struggling and giving our best!

tired, eh? today is PTC btw. I knew my scores already, I'll be improving those scores so bad. And two days ago had a chat with jo! And he was asking if we could hang out sometimes with other friends! yoo cant wait :3

I'll be saving up money for lenses. :) ups this rookie photographer will upgrade her lens for her pal 50D. **btw on a web am surprised most of the photographers still using their 20D!!**

p.s: dont you know... when I write i'm expressing thoughts and ideas there? I miss writing short novels back then when i was in grade 6. Nce has been writing them up until high school. such a passion :)

Just had a great long day. After feeling dizzy yesterday. I was able to finish my slide and thank you to BAAD AUTO ISO! I need to edit some pics to be used there!!! It drives me crazy. I was upset coz I havent studied yet, but tomorrow will be working hard.

Thank you for people who attended Joyful Youth awards and BBQ nite. I got the most dilligent one :) thank you for people who have voted me as well. We had much fun, talks, sharing food, taking pictures, exchanging gifts, and etc.

I made the "es buah" it was all melon-based! Melon syrup+melon balls+plain jelly+nata de coco, simple yet yummy. people loved it. Imma sleep right now, reallllly need to take a break and fast yet good and quality sleep. Night!

inst3.

I was like reading Yuri's blog posts. I found an interesting post, which it really suits me in some points yet, it drives me krazy. I feel like, most of the teenagers might feel this to. this is a struggle.

"I always want to be perfect. A perfect daughter, a perfect friend, a perfect partner, a perfect individual.

Perfectionism is everything, I have to be perfect. I ought to be perfect.

But when I fail to do so, when I made a mistake, I will feel very depressed and worthless.
I want to be perfect so I hide my emotions and I tend to be abusive to myself.
I will cry until I can't breathe, I will peel my skin until it bleed, I will took pills so I can sleep.
I have a serious anger for myself, if I made a mistake, I will hate myself more than ever.
I will hate myself more than I hate anyone else. I feel very emotionally devastated.
I think I'm seriously depressed.
Help me. I can't help myself.

I realize that if there's nothing left to burn, you got to set yourself on fire."
-yuri's blog (http://lookingforastronaut.blogspot.com/) :)

I experienced some of these, when I got upset or something like that. When you feel you cannot find the way out. When it's just too deep and dark. When people asking too much rather than giving.

Sigh. It is terrible, I even cant do anything. I got this bad mood all over.

btw, I've been thinking to which destination should I go for immersion, I am so dang excited about US. Well at first mom said it's expensive. But than she supports me and saying up to you. But yet I again confused, and thinking hardly what decision should I make. Dad came over to my room, and ask, where do I want to go... and I hardly look into his eyes! I kept on typing on my mac, avoiding contact. Kinda nervous tho about what dad gonna say. He said, how about if I dont go for immersion, instead he will give me cash and new phone *who wants to resist?* but I said, I dont know. I still think that I wanna go. "teserah" I said it over and over. Until I made up my mind, and say "ga usah, bisa d ganti aja" to both mom and dad. after it, mom came over and still asking "yang lain gmn? gamau ikut? yang lain k mana? mau gak tanya dulu, bsk bawa suratnya tinggal pilih atau submit?"

i'm touched with both attention of mom and dad. i'm lucky enough to have them. But i think, I need to loosen mom's and dad's burden. enough for a while, and yet bro is also get going to Beijing at March!! It's too much for paying $$, so I sacrifice something for good. :) I can get something better soon.

I'm fifteen going on sixteen
Learning how to be strong
Experiencing ups and downs
Sacrifice things
Yet figuring out many things
*myownversion*

well, being happy is a choice, I guess? But it still depends who supports you and who knows you for real.

Re-ALL-ity

Hm, school is coming their way. Tough, but gonna give my very best shot. I dont want to give up, I've set my goals, aim high work it and reach it. Tomorrow is gonna be my first day of joining Futsal SCP. x-x kinda nervous yet I missed stacks of my english and bahasa handouts and tests ;-;
I'll be looking at my locker tomorrow, I will get those pieces back!!

Yet kinda disappointed with bio results and add math's. oh well, I need to know deeper bout talents. But being grateful right now, is one of the best things ever :D so, I think I need to save those energy for first day of class and also a brand new day. Thanks Pa! :* I love You for every single step I've taken. I might have done wrong, but You always always always made me right :'')

GAH! tomorrow will be the first day of school. Kinda nervous and excited. I am trying not to be worried of sem exam scores, since I think I dropped them down :( Oh Lord, help me to get some motivation and courage and willingness. So, I chatted around with Paco. Well, kinda close with him since he was my seatmates back then on grade 9.

We chatted a lot, and today when we had the conversation, I asked him random things. Luckily he answered so I got the 'picture' of my doubts. I was asking about university and school life. I typed too many "what if"s and about school stuff. And he said few things which made me quite calm down and he said, dont worry about it too much. So, yeah trying to give my best potential and just enjoy. Thank you Pacooo! :)

Letter to God from phal

Hey Lord, Good dawn! it's like almost morning. today is my very last holiday. I stayed up late feeling so uncomfortable and terribly have this insomniac thing. Well, actually, I promised myself not to sleep late today. But I broke it. I feel extremely petrified. I feel anxious and insecure. I dont know, who else I should speak to share my stories. I need to put this burden off. After what happened last night. I couldnt accept it easily. This is my first post on my new blog telling how bad the condition I am now. Sorry blog, you know you wouldnt leave me alone and sleep, right?

Lord, if TWITTER asks "What's happening?" I would like to ask too... "What's happening?" nowadays, with me, family, and this whole bunch crap and insanity. I should figure it out Lord. Lord, I dont get it, it didnt start as a fight, but it gets serious. I know, justice is coming, but how and when I dont know yet.

It gets serious and complicated... what do he expects Lord? isnt that enough to hurt the whom I love? :'( He has done many things, I couldnt count, talk shit, eat crap. What else? I was terrified when those people came and saying like stand up for the wrong person. NOTE THAT! U are so da*n wrong and you guys acting like, we stand up for each other. BUT THAT'S NOT THE TRUTH!

Why? I couldnt get over this, this night. thank you people, you have indeed ruined everything! sorry bro, cant make it to celebrate ur bday. Try not to blame those people, indeed they did do wrong.

Lord, I am trying to be thankful and grateful. Dont know how to describe it any longer. It is not all of my complaints, but I'll be waiting for the beauty soon. I am sorry, and I would ask for forgiveness. Thank you for some friends that could help me. I should stand up from the storm. I'll try to sleep later :) I love You Lord, thank you for every pages of stories in my life. Sometimes we need to shade dark color to produce more variety.

Love&truthfully yours

-phal-

welcome

well this is my very first posting. Plain and nothing is special yet. I decided to recreate my blog, because I just need new atmosphere :) and yet, some of my posts back then when I was a fresh elementary graduate were too cheesy. It will be better if I leave it and leave it as a memory and start fresh! This is my 4th or 5th blog after I deleted them ;p except the latest one. And I joined Tumblr as well.

Today is, 11/1/11, nice number, straight ones. HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAY bro! WYATB GBU! Sorry if I cant give u much :)

And all I can say, welcome readers to my new blog, titled: aprilAVENUE!

http://bangthehorizon.blogspot.com :)